If you were to ask a million American men and boys what is the most important type of relationship in their life, what takes up the most real estate in the mind of most males, I am convinced it would be the romantic variety.  And if I were to compare Romance to the other two major pillars in the definition of manhood, Truth and Safety, I estimate that Romance takes up about 80% importance on average, though, without commitment to Truth and Safety, Romance will fail. And I am not convinced that the importance of Romance for men should be considered extreme. (But if it is, perhaps it is because it has been so elusive for so many of us).

I believe that just the knowledge of how to successfully attract someone who is attractive to us, and keep her attention, affects everything else in a man’s life. And so I propose to you, at least for Christian men, that romance and marriage must always be second place to the most important relationship, our love of God. 

Couples often have the idea that he is Mr. Right, 

her Knight in Shining Armor, and she is his Love Goddess.

We expect that this person will never let us down.

But husband and wife both learn the Truth.

"MY SPOUSE IS A DISAPPOINTMENT”

Husband, you say, “She has not been the perfect example of a mate, a lover, or a friend. She has hangups I never saw while we were dating. It is like she has a mind of her own, and she has begun treating me as though I am a disappointment.”

Husband, you’ve tried to change her, but it only got worse. You ask yourself, “What have I done? Was this a mistake? And now I am trapped, because I am a Christian and outside of adultery or abandonment, God does not approve of just trading in my wife for a “better model.”

The family home is meant to be an incubator where we grow up as children learning how to experience all the types of Biblically approved love, including friendships, brotherhood, parenthood and extended family, unconditional agape, courtship, and the romantic kind. Family is supposed to be the basic building-block of Christian society. But what does it often feel like?

Marriage is merely a train wreck 

in a beautifully colored box,

with a bow.

In fact, Marriage is not the “fix” 

for two broken people. 

Rather, it is a potent way for flaws 

to get exposed to the light.

Marriage is also supposed to be a reflection of the relationship of Christ and His Church. Is it any wonder marriage is under such heavy assault? Let’s have a look.

Good Marriage Bad Marriage

Pay attention you single men, this could be you someday.

What is the ideal marriage? Will our ideal couple always be considerate of each other? Maybe. They should share the burdens of running a household. For example, if they both work full work weeks, they should share equally in the chores. If hubby is the only bread-winner, wife should make household affairs her full time gig, or vice versa. 

Mutual agreement is the way a policy or practice is established, most of the time. If this is a Christian marriage, the Bible is final authority on all matters. In fact, the Bible reveals that marriage was invented by God. It can be extremely difficult for couples who are not both followers of God. 

The couple should be humble before God and submit to His instruction, the Bible, and run their home based on its wisdom. And this practice should bring a sense of freedom, not bondage.

When there is a disagreement, and an argument begins to boil, how do they process it? 

I want to interrupt that thought with this question: “Is there such a thing as a ‘Happily Ever After’ marriage?”  According to some, marriage is not primarily for happiness. It certainly is the most intimate possible human relationship, where two people teach each other, and share everything, for the most part. And yes, one of the fruits of marriage is  joy. 

Marriage is the only Biblically approved venue for sexual behavior, and “the marriage bed is undefiled” (Hebrews 13:4). And surveys reveal that Christian marriage, done correctly, is also the most satisfying and gratifying. And it is the best environment for raising children.

So, husband, when did it change from; 

“Happily Ever After” to “I’ll be Happy if you leave and never come back!?” 

I mean, one day you’re alone together in wedded bliss, and then *poof*, you wake up to unruly kids climbing all over you, tons of debt, your wife disrespecting you or undermining your “authority”, and you are feeling desperately alone and exhausted. 

Let’s break this mess down into phases:

WEDDING DAY

A fresh beginning, high expectations, honeymoon phase starts, and for a while, they can survive on love alone.

DISCOVERY PHASE

People bring baggage into the relationship. People have faults, sins, differences, flaws, weaknesses, psychological damage, ignorance and immaturity. Our spouse is broken, and not as perfect as Jesus: Who knew? A nag cycle commences, from both parties. Promises get broken, disappointments begin to grow, expectations are unmet, healthy communications are threatened. The couple begins to chisel away at each other. Dates and romantic activity diminish.

ARGUMENT PHASE

Our happy couple begins to say or do things that are perceived as an attack. They feel offended, and surprised that their lover could be so unloving. Arguments begin because they begin to feel insecure and unsafe, and their pride is wounded so they try to defend their rights or opinions or ideas. They no longer feel like the intimate allies they once were. 

SURVIVAL MODE

The wife feels as though her knight in shining armor has begun turning his weapons toward her and she begins to shut down just for self-protection. She feels she needs to protect her children as well, and husband soon feels isolated, alienated from all of them.

THE LOVE-RESPECT CYCLE DEGRADES

She feels increasingly unloved and he feels more disrespected. (Ephesians 5:33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.) This happens when one or both of them do not recover from unloving or disrespectful behavior.

MARITAL DISTRESS

Alienation, distancing, accusations, more severe attacks, meltdowns, violent words and actions increase. Divorce starts to look pretty appealing. Offenses increase, as well as frustration, depression, hopelessness, physical abuse, slander and cruelty. Hatred emerges, and bitterness.  

ADULTERY / DIVORCE

The ultimate failure comes for some. Others descend into a dark and lonely place. Christians grapple with the forbidden divorce option, and begin to lean toward it in a desperate cry to relieve the pain, for there is no sign of a solution on the horizon. Moral failures are more frequent and grow stronger as the hopelessness tightens its grip on the soul. A guilt cycle develops and the direction toward severing the once happy love birds is in free-fall.

Opting to stay together without working it out does not help. They begin to merely exist, “for the children” perhaps. Is it any wonder, why married men take a lover, why they trade theirs in for a “younger model”, or why they build their “man caves” in their garage or a spare room or the basement, or why some retreat into porn use, excessive alcohol consumption or drug abuse, and why they beat their wife? 

So there we go, the life cycle of an all-too-common modern American marriage. What could have been done to stop its demise, to interrupt the slippery slope into oblivion? 

In Proverbs 29:18, we read, “Without a vision, the people perish.” They give up because they have lost “vision”, which means purpose, or meaning. Or their expectations were not founded on solid principles in the first place. And the most solid foundation will always be the Bible. 

Some say, “Ignorance is bliss.” 

Ignorance is hardly bliss: It is Hell.

If he cannot see his own failures, or what is actually happening in the marriage, he will become frustrated, and then angry. Anger can come from a variety of causes, especially those experienced while growing up. Male depression is usually caused by an accumulation of losses, big and small, or the perception of loss. It comes from a deep sense of loss of control in his life, and coupled with lack of knowledge about how to overcome it, it creates resentment and ultimately hatred, which has, in the worst case scenario, led to suicide or murder. I recently saw an interview of Dr. Ferrell on the topic of depression. He said that it is caused, in part, by a desire to return to the way things used to be.

Somewhere along the way, the honeymoon ended, and in Truth, it was doomed from the start if they had all that baggage coming into the relationship unchecked.  

I think too many married couples are just not properly prepared for it.

What About Premarital Counseling?

This is a critical step for couples who have fallen in love. They wish to marry and someone advises they take premarital counseling. But not all counselors are created equal. I do not know of any who get the job done correctly, but I have not met them all. The only thing I remember from ours was to let your expectations be made known. But he never covered the part where somebody may take issue with the expectation, and thus refuses to comply. 

I assume that for centuries, children were able to pick up on the keys to good relationship by watching their parents live Biblical life together. I hope that was true. Maybe America early on had this devotion. I cannot say for certain without more research. What I do know for certain is that now we have too many failed homes. 

Premarital Counseling became a thing out of necessity. And to be done right, it really should take a long period of time, months, covering every aspect of life, in detail. It should be more like a training program, a discipleship phase, and a season of self-evaluation and deeper exploration into each other’s true self, cutting past the often superficial masks. And finally, it should include several really well-written books on these subjects.

Following is a list of general areas I believe should be included in a Marriage Prep Course:

Spiritual, Doctrinal, Sexual, Financial, Familial (extended…can you say in-laws?), Parental, Medical and Health, Psychological, Interpersonal, Political, Scholastic, Addictions and Bad Habits, Grace, Forgiveness, and Conflict-Resolution. The meeting times should be with both together, but also separated to be able to go deep and encourage honesty with the counselor.

Well, if your Pre-Marital Counseling was as inadequate as ours, you must work with what you have, strive to do the research, and find some remedies. Focus on the Family is a great resource for all the issues that strain marriage. But the book you are now reading is a good start. 

It provides the big answer to the big question; 

“Can you live happily ever after?”  I say yes!

So that said, let’s do some more digging.

Who Is Worthy Of Love?

We forget, nobody deserves to be treated with love, do we? We are broken, we have broken God’s laws and have broken our promises to each other. So she is not the model wife we thought we married.

In case you haven’t noticed, there is no such thing as a perfect husband or wife. 

We may have seen some storybook version of a girlfriend or wife, or begun to believe so-and-so would never disappoint me like she just did. But the Truth is, yes they have as much of a dark side as we do. And too often, living life brings it out. But do not think of this as a bad thing. Marriage was designed to promote holiness. And part of this involves exposing the darkness and then dealing with it.

And if we do not have this in mind, we grow weary, hold on to injuries, and grudges, not allowing forgiveness to have its healing effects. Again, any darkness that resides in us needs to be exposed to the light of the Truth and cast out, repented of, or renounced. And in marriage, our partner is close enough to us to help us expose that darkness. Truth in any form is still Truth. Whether it comes with a whisper, or by nukes, it is still valuable.

Always Changing

I wish I was told as a young man that we continue to change over time, and that my spouse, in twenty years, will no longer be the person I married, because she will have changed so much, and not necessarily for the better. Oh by the way, I would also change.

You cannot fix anybody. You have no direct power over anyone else. But, you do have absolute power over your own words and actions and habits, (unless you have a clinically diagnosed mental disorder that is untreated.) Here is your mission:

Commit to conform yourself to Truth. Commit to be honest with yourself, about your own error. 

Commit to change into a person she would want to stay with. Also, resign to the reality of her changes. Make up your mind that you will adapt and adjust to changes in her. 

You must maintain the proper “distance” from her, not allowing yourself to become “entrusted” to her. In other words, you cannot afford the temptation to become dependent on her for comfort, or opinions. Jesus knew better than to entrust Himself to anyone, for He knew how flawed humans are. You must maintain your dependence on God, while at the same time, staying in your own lane, and letting her stay over in her own lane. 

You must both strive to maintain your primary connection to God, and resist elevating each other to a higher level of dependency than we place on God. Couples cannot derive their identity from the often errant and varied state of mind they find each other in on a daily basis. It is borderline idolatrous, and no human can endure such responsibility, that position of being your idol, for long. They will soon flee. This teaching is rare, but it is the only way your relationship will survive.

To discover the dark truths in our spouse, after the lifelong marriage contract has been sealed, is often shocking, isn’t it? And it can become fatal for the relationship.

If we enter our commitments with eyes opened, we are more likely to enjoy the ride and be less stressed about things, about surprises. So the reality is this; spouse is broken, you are broken, live and let live. Make room for the inevitable flaws, present and future, and be prepared to accept her human weaknesses, and to be always ready to forgive. This is grace.

We cannot be the Holy Spirit for our wife or girlfriend. 

Let God do His job.

And we cannot let our pride hinder our commitment to finding the Truth inside ourselves, no matter how ugly. The source of that Truth often comes from unlikely and unworthy people, like our partner. But it is still Truth.

We want to be offended and hurt and then retaliate. This is the “Bait of Satan”. There is a great book by that title, (authored by Bevere), dedicated to the discipline of self-control. It instructs us not to "take offense" when we feel attacked, and teaches us how to recover from betrayal. For example, pray for them, as long as it takes for you to be truly interested in their well-being.

Yes, She Is Imperfect, But God Doesn’t Know 

It is true, because He has chosen to forget all her sins. She belongs to Jesus now. She has been washed clean spiritually if she is a Believer. To God she is now worthy of your very best. And He is watching to see whether you deliver the goods.

Your choice to treat her with the love, respect, favor, goodness, kindness and forgiveness has nothing to do with her worthiness or behavior. It has everything to do with the obedience that Jesus practiced while in this world for an almighty Creator, His Father, God.

He has paid for her. He has earned the right for her to be treated with all the abundance of royalty. She is worthy of your epic efforts to tend to her needs, wants, desires, dreams, goals and fantasies, as long as it does not conflict with the Bible.

If she never thanks you or responds in kind…she is still worthy. If it costs you, then trust God is keeping track and will reward you accordingly. And you can trust He will not waste your obvious lavish kindness on her, for He will wake her up.

But be patient. Resolve to do this as a long distance marathon. Plan ahead. Spend time thinking about her while sitting in the presence of God. Listen for what God wants to tell you about her.

Do not obey your negative feelings when she behaves…imperfectly. (Satan tells you to retaliate.) You are serving God when you resign the expectation of any positive response from her.

You will realize that when you no longer need her praise, and rather depend on God for that, that it liberates you. You will no longer feel trapped in something. You are volunteering to do this freely and without being forced. And this freedom is very noticeable, and it is contagious. You will begin to feel the joy that comes from the freedom.

It is important to know that the “justice” part of you wants to object to this concept of reduced expectation. “What about her?” you ask. Well, you are the leader. And she is watching. 

Let God work on her. Just enjoy the newfound freedom that comes from reduced expectations. Use faith that God is working on her. I do not understand how God can forget our sins, yet somehow still be aware of them enough to engage our heart to change. But then again, how much about God can we truly understand? 

We men long to understand what it means to be a man and how to do it correctly, and I do not know of any example more revealing than Jesus Christ when He briefly walked in this world. We cannot in practice be error-free like Jesus was, but we are considered perfect by God the Father when we begin to believe in, and trust in Jesus, and strive to do what is right with the help of the Holy Spirit.